MN D.A.R.E. Talk – Lesson #7
Communication
Communication is:
7% words
55% visual (body language, eye contact, etc.)
38% vocal (pitch, speed, volume, tone)
What does that mean? People are not just hearing your words; they are focusing on how you are speaking.
Does your body language and your voice show different emotions than what your words are saying?
Have you ever been told you are being disrespectful but you are thinking that your words were not that bad? What was your tone where you rolling your eyes? Did you stomp out of the room?
Have you been told you are yelling but you don’t think you were? What was the forcefulness behind your voice? Were you shaking your fist or pointing your finger?
Think about how you communicate:
*Words you use
*Body language you demonstrate
*Pitch, speed, tone, volume
How would you react to your own method of communication?
Be Mindful! (in the present moment and listen)
There are (2) roles in communication:
- Sender – Send a concise message and listen to yourself
- Receiver – Correctly understand the message and listen to the sender
***Communication produces (2) different perceptions of the same conversation. ‘
The other person may have heard or thought they heard something different than what you said. Who is right?
Let’s look first at the message:
- Words have the power to hurt or heal.
- Words can be used to manipulate, attack, sting, lie, control
- If you attack…what is the result? (they will probably attack back or resent you)
- We don’t have to tell everyone, everything we think.
- We don’t have to be verbally abusive or allow ourselves to be verbally abused
- Maybe you don’t talk enough
- Maybe you talk too much
- Do you ever apologize when you are rude or disrespectful?
- Are you present in your communication or conversations?
- Are our emotions taking over our mouth?
- Do your words reflect self-responsibility, respect, victimhood, or blame?
Reflection: What do you see in the mirror?
***Look to see what the person is reflecting back, like they are in a mirror. If you are yelling, you will see a reaction similar to what you are giving. If they are not showing it on their face, they are feeling it inside. You are going to get a reaction back from how you talk to people.
If you are the Sender: What do you want? (Message)
- Know what you want.
“When ___________happened, “I” felt ________.
- What do you need?
Clarify what you want the other person to change.
What do you want more of, less of, start doing, stop doing? Where and when? This is a behavior change, not a change in feelings or attitude.
There are (4) Parts of Saying What you Want:
- “I think” – Describe the facts of the situation without blaming or judging or attacking
- “I feel” – Describe your emotional reaction to the problem.
- “I want” – Ask for something specific and behavioral. (Only one change at a time.)
- Self-care solution – How do “I” plan to take care of myself if the other person won’t cooperate. Meet your own needs.
Now let’s look at the Receiver (Listener):
- Stop talking (do not prepare you next statement)
- Listen
- Try to understand. What are they trying to say? What are they feeling? What are they asking?
- Validate
Receiver DO NOT:
- Rehearse – planning what you are going to say next…not listening
- Filter – listen only to things important to you while ignoring the rest
- Judge – evaluate the other person rather than trying to understand
- Mind reading – assuming you know what they are going to say
- Need to be right
- Daydream
- Advising
- Sparring – invalidating by arguing or debating
- Derailing – Changing the subject
- Placating – Agreeing to quickly
Negotiate Agreements:
- Validate the other persons need or concern and contrast it to your own.
- Ask for a compromise solution that incorporates both your needs.
- Suggest alternatives.
- Express yourself in a neutral voice.
How do you want to be treated?
How do you want to treat others?
Mindfulness:
Take hold of your mind—Non-Judgmentally
- Don’t evaluate. Just the facts
- Form your opinion from the facts.
- Open your mind
Us a Reasonable Mind (our your words and thoughts reasonable…even possible)
Use a Wise Mind (Think before you speak)
Use an Emotional Mind (Think beyond your own emotions to the other persons emotions)
Show Respect
Take Responsibility
Reflect on your words and actions
Everyone Deserves Respect
What is your part in this?
Are you getting what you are giving?
Are we projecting emotions on someone else? Frustration, anger, fear
Apologize – Forgiveness
Forgive yourself and let go
Remember:
Past is passed
“The Present” is a gift we have
Future we cannot predict
Be in the present conversation.
Goal – listen, express needs, tone, forgive
Journaling. You can always write it down and leave it for a while before you open your month. Do not just react when you are angry.
Express Pride – Don’t just be critical and judgmental all of the time. If you are always negative, people will stop listening to you.
Let go.
You need to learn to forgive yourself and others and let it go. Forgive–everyone makes mistakes.